I Died Two and a Half Years Ago in Christ

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 You've gotten me to laugh at myself this morning, Lord.  i'm not equipped with all the answers, and i can still laugh about matters.  The Son of Man was manifest that He might annihilate the works of the devil--[1 John 3:8]  For God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a disciplined mind--[2 Timothy 1:7]  i don't mind falling for a hard close, not when the buy was a possibility of going to Colorado for Bible study.  i don't being considered as not a "fit."  But they made me feel it during the application process, so i wondered if this was indeed a calling from God or my fleshly desire to get the hell out of the MotorMouth Motel.  i spent so many years of my life searching for intimacy and falling short of finding it.  i rebelled God a long, long time and it's going to take a lot of time for those who knew me to accept the fact that i died two and a half years ago with Christ.  Amen

Thereby taking that 180 degree turn and focusing on pleasing the Lord.  i cannot feed  the lust and lasciviousness that's in my heart.  i must leave room for the Lord in my heart and have Him throw them out!  i have played a very large part of the situations in which i find myself.  My selfishness cannot be separated from fear.  i've numbed the reality of being disappointed in relationships and in my idolatry.  i fed my fear of lack for so long and only God can fix it now.  i've tried and failed for so long.  If it gets to that point where i no longer fear lack, God Almighty gets the glory and the credit.  He did it!

The battle must be won between the love of God and my selfishness and need for self-preservation.  i must kill the carnal appetites.  i cannot do that without the Word of God which strengthens my spirit and gives me the power to overcome temptations and gives me the ability to demonstrate the character of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. i need God's help in finding His people.  i haven't been able to find them anywhere.  i even thought they would be in Colorado, but i'm aware of counterfeit Christians.  i could have surrounded myself with them!  What good would it be to be sitting in a church with people speaking in tongues and me not understanding what and why that would be happening.  God is giving me the courage to discern between who's real and who isn't--if not, i don't think i'd be going through what i'm going through.

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